Hopes & Dreams VS Reality

Life is kind of a constant battle of hopes and dreams vs reality. I’ve been feeling withdrawn from reality lately because my hopes and dreams are not falling in line like I had hoped. Even when one hope or dream comes true there are other hopes or dreams to be met. We as humans want to fulfill ALL our hopes and dreams. For most people we can not have everything we hope or dream for. Some people have simple things they want and others have a more complicated list. No matter where we are in life it isn’t perfect. I remember thinking that once Alex and I got married all my dreams would come true. Thank you Cinderella. The first 6 months were great and I couldn’t have been happier. Once we got into normal life with trials and hard situations I didn’t feel so happy any more. We love each other and I am grateful each and every day that I am married to this amazing man. But, my hopes and dreams expanded after we got married. I wanted to have my own family, I wanted my kids to grow up around other family members, and I wanted the family life I had always dreamed about. I know once we have living children all our problems will not go away and that we will have new trials and new hopes and dreams. It has just been difficult for me to see the bigger picture lately. I also hate seeing my husband in pain and sad because of our trials. I hate that I feel at fault for his pain some times. I keep praying to have more hope and faith in our future. I hope we can all have more faith and hope in our individual futures.

Workin' out hard!

So… I’ve had a little change in my work out plan. Boot camp is REALLY far away. I decided to join the Gym by my house because it cost less than any other classes I could find. I know how those gym sales men work so I got in for a great price! I finished up boot camp last week and I also attended some classes at the gym. It was a busy week. They have a “boot camp” class at my gym and I start that tonight! I’ve got a print out of all the classes and I’m excited to be able to mix it up and still attend a boot camp class three times a week. I also met with a trainer (free for a day) and I feel confident in my plan that I’m keeping track of on my own. I used to think I needed to be accountable to someone to get in shape. I’ve determined I need to be accountable to myself. I also liked how the trainer told me I do not have as much weight to lose as I thought! That was nice to hear! Anyway, the plan is in place and I’m working hard to get in better shape and I have ONE WEEK left of school!!!!

Stretch and Breath (day 3)

Boot camp again…  love learning what I am learning. We have done something different each class I have been to. Today we did a whole hour of stretching…. It was intense. I for sure feel my hips and calves are insanely stretched. We have had a substitute teacher until this class and the normal teacher is a bit abrasive. The substitute was super bubbly and nice and the normal teacher well is not. She know a lot and it’s great to learn from her but I for sure will be finding a different class to attend after this month. I had a hard time respecting the knowledge she put forth because of the language she used. I know it may seem typical to some but to me it was extremely vulgar. If I hadn’t paid for the class I’d be looking for something else to help me make my life change. I am looking at what to do after this month though. I’ve paid for class until the end of June and then I’ll be looking for another class. I’ve thought of a few different options…. Join a gym and attend classes there, do a bikram yoga class (2 week intro), or find something else. I feel like I need to attend classes so I can be accountable to someone. Suggestions? Maybe I should get a group of friend and we could do our own in home type class??? Any takers????

Day TWO

So, I had my second boot camp class today. I didn’t feel like I was going to die this time (thank goodness). I hope my body will adjust well to the changes I am making. It’s kind of ironic that I’m doing this so that when I get pregnant again I won’t been huge because I’ll be on bed rest FOREVER! I hope I can get in good shape and get used to healthy foods so being inactive won’t kill my body. I also want to be healthy but I wouldn’t have done boot camp if I didn’t feel I needed to get in great shape quickly (because I want to have a baby).

Day One

So, I signed up for Weight Watchers again. Thank goodness Alex works for Home Depot (discount). I also found a super cheap boot camp and joined. Today was my first day of camp. I went with high expectations. I got there a bit late (which I hate) because it’s about 40 min away from my home. The class started with running… I was scared because I know I’m SOOOOO out of shape. I got going and didn’t do too bad. We did a ton of exercises and by the end of class I thought I was going to die or at least throw up. I held myself together and got in my car for the long drive home. I felt like I was so sick the whole way home. I was thinking of excuses why I couldn’t go back and trying to justify the money I spent for not going. I finally got home and still felt super sick. I finally got feeling better. I ate dinner and am now doing fine. I even took a short bike ride with Edith to get some of her energy out. I’m still feeling weak but I’m excited for the day that at the end of class I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of death.

Life Lately

So, I’ve been debating on how to write how I’ve been feeling. Life has been CRAZY! I’m in my final masters class and will graduate at the end of June. Alex and I are getting another beautiful puppy (Boe) and we couldn’t be more excited. Alex just started a 2^nd job with Home Depot and is making progress on deciding what to do for school and his future. I am still interviewing and looking for a new job. I have been lacking motivation to do much else but I’ve been forcing myself to complete projects around the house and I even signed up for a fitness class starting next week. I have been on some different medications for my asthma and it is kind of messing up my weight, but I’ll get it back in order. I have been trying to get off some medication my OBGYN gave me after January and it is really messing up my hormone levels so sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. The interesting thing is that despite everything else most of the time all I think about is kids. It causes me to feel very sad because I have such a desire to be a Mom and although I have two perfect boys its hard to not see them every day. I try to not feel angry that they aren’t here with us and I’m trying to build my faith in the Lords plan for me. I usually do okay but every day is a struggle. I feel silly that I cry at formula commercials, when someone’s kid smiles at me, or when I hear someone yelling in the store “mommy”. I even get a little tear when I see some toddler being naughty. I’m not writing this so people will feel sorry for me or offer advice (PLEASE NO ADVICE). I have been counseled to write my feeling down regularly and I have no reason to hide how I feel from other people. I have tried ignoring going to my Mom’s pre-school because I just want to steal the infants (LOL). Alas, the pre-school is part of my life and my job. We are so blessed in our lives and I know many years down the road we’ll see what we learned these past two years but it isn’t always fun learning these kinds of lessons. We do not need advice from anyone other than the Lord and as much as we appreciate those who love us they aren’t us so they don’t get to understand what we know.

I have learned some great truths through these past two years. I remember wanting to better understand the Gospel but I didn’t know the price we would pay to be taught what we know now! I know there is SO MUCH more we have not been taught in the church as a whole because so many people would not be able to handle the truth. We understand some precious truths about the strong bonds that are made with a Temple marriage. We have a greater understanding of who we are and who our family is! I’m thankful for the knowledge I have and hope some day the church as a whole will be ready for these great truths.

Ignorance

The term “ignorance is bliss” is misleading. It is only bliss for the ignorant person not the people around them! I have recently received many letters, e-mails, texts, and other communications sending “regards” and “best wishes”. I don’t mind the great outpouring of love. In fact I appreciate it and am thankful for it. I just have had a few people who with their sympathies have felt the need to give advice. Some of which is ignorant. The common theme seems to be that Alex and I should stop “trying” to have a family because my body in some way “isn’t ready” despite the fact that I know those who say this mean well it is ignorant. It is an ‘old school’ mentality and so I know those who have said something will not be readying this but maybe word will get to them somehow. I AM NOT BROKEN. I have a physical problem that can luckily be fixed thanks to medical knowledge. I am lucky that the Lord has promised me that I will have children and that I will always be ready for children. Despite old school mentality we as women will not get pregnant if we are not ready. Women’s bodies don’t work that way and never have.

Anyway, Alex and I are doing what we feel we are supposed to do in all aspects of life. We are going to turn to the Lord for our answers not man. We are going to follow the scriptures, leaders council, dr’s advice, and personal spiritual guidance we have received and are still receiving. And if there is any doubt on the medical side of things my Dr is encouraging us to get pregnant as soon as we want because medically my body can handle and will be fine being pregnant because now we know the problem and will have the proper medical help to get through the whole thing! J So when we are both ready we will do what we feel is best!

Be Warned

Apparently some people got offended with my comment that employers should pay their employees for their education. I believe that those who got offended read what they wanted out of my comment and left the rest. I NEVER said you’re dumb if you didn’t get an advanced education. I have many people in my life who have chosen to not do this some of whom are VERY smart! I know experience speaks volumes. My comment involved education AND experience. Everyone’s life situations are different. I personally have taken time out of my social life to get an advanced education because I knew it was important, I wanted to, and I felt that was what the Lord wanted ME to do. I do not look down on anyone who has not made the same life decisions I have. I did not have an easy road through college; I worked full-time my whole way through. I have dealt with difficult situations and even took time off for a study abroad program and a mission. I worked hard in school and got really good grades and even got a scholarship part way through my undergrad.

I am writing this because I wanted to clear the air. It has been bothering me and since this is MY blog I decided I could write what I wanted. Yes, I deleted negative comments on facebook from people. If you don’t like what I say (likely because you only partly read what I was saying) then keep those comments off my facebook page. I know none of us are perfect. I was just venting that an employer had looked at my resume and spoken with me about an available position and informed me that despite my “excellent resume” (his words) that my pay would “be the same as all other new employees even if they had little work experience or schooling” (also his words). The position didn’t require much education or experience but the job description said salary DOE, so knowing that they were willing to supposedly adjust the salary I applied. Had I known there was a set salary I would not have been annoyed.

Sorry to those great people who read my blog, this is not typically what I write about. I obviously did not go forward with that company and I have moved on in my job prospects. I just wanted to be clear with the situation that happened last month.

Move Forward

So lately I've become obsessed with Pinterest (follow me). It's REALLY addicting. I have also been working on finding a career that will allow me to work from home. That way no matter what future decisions we make we'll have financial stability. Then when we have kids I can stay home with them and if I get pregnant I can be on bed rest and still work! Alex and I have both been trying to better our financial situation and build our relationship together. I am almost done with school (1 class left) and I'll have my MBA.

I have been thinking a lot about life and how so many things get thrown our way. On Sunday I was reminded that when we put our lives in the Lords hands and we do what He has asked us to do things will work out. I am compelled to take steps in my life that don't always make sense but they always provide an outcome that works (even if I don't like it).

Alex and I have a lot of decisions to make in the future but I'm glad we chose each other to share eternity with. I can't imagine ever going through life without him!

The Answer is NO!!

About two weeks ago Alex and I had discussed what we would like to do going forward for our family. We both felt like adoption was the best option for us right now and knowing how long the adoption process can take we started taking steps to get going on an adoption. I started looking up some ways to help fund the adoption because it is a lot of out of pocket cost compared to being pregnant with insurance. We started filling out paper work and contacting a lawyer. We had all the pieces in a row ready to put the puzzle together, then somehow the pieces we had thinking the puzzle was complete it was all wrong.

We don’t know what we’re going to do now, but it looks like its not going to be adoption right now. I have never had such a strong answer to my prayers. We prayed about our decision and went forward with it and just yesterday we got our answer. NO! I am upset that we had taken so many steps and had even got some funding in place but none of it got too far that we couldn’t stop or reverse it. We hadn’t spent any of the funds so they were returned to those who had given them.

I don’t like feeling so lost. I wish we knew what we were supposed to do now. I’m trying to focus on school and finding a new job and hopefully we’ll figure out what steps to take next!

LOVE!

We all have our moments: of self-pity, self-doubt, anger, sorrow, and jealousy. I try to avoid these feelings but the other day when I was getting sick I noticed myself walking through the store feeling sorry for myself. It was not a feeling I like to feel. I feel selfish when I do feel this way. I wanted to give a piece of comfort to all those women and men who have held their perfect child (or children) in their arms sobbing, hoping, and wishing they would just breath and live. Those men and women who will never forget those perfect ones even when the rest of the world does. Those men and women who know those perfect children lived even if some people don’t believe it.

My words of peace are this: they were perfect! So perfect that they couldn’t stay with us on this earth with so much pain and sin. They were perfect and that means that as their parents we have perfect children waiting for us. They were perfect and as their parents we somehow earned the trust of God to have these perfect children. God knows us, He would never let us suffer something we couldn’t handle. It isn’t easy but after this life when we reunite with our perfect children we’ll feel his grace, mercy, and LOVE!

Jack Hammer

So, Alex and I have been ill today and so I've been home trying to get him and I better. I feel so bad for him because this past Friday night his Father passed away and it was devistating to the whole family. It was completely unexpected. We were in Queen Creek looking at the Pre School yard because Alex was going to start doing the yard work out there for some extra income. We had just left to drive back home when he got a phone call from his brother David saying his dad was hurt. We didn't know the extent of the incident or the story involved but we rushed to his parents home. When we got there we couldn't park police cars lined the street along with a fire truck. We quickly learned his father had passed and I have been trying to be strong for my husband during this difficult situation. We are thankful for the Atonement that gives us the opportunity to always improve and to be with our family again.

Getting Better

Sorry for all who read my blog and feel it is a Launie venting session. I sent back to work this week. I didn’t work full-time each day and I feeling better each day. Things are getting more bearable but I will share my pet peeve. Last year and this year I can’t STAND when people say “I know how you feel”. That is an impossible phrase. No one can even know how someone else feels. We each deal with things differently and I have the fun pleasure of not only having lost my two sons but I get postpartum depression after each pregnancy. I’m lucky that I have such a great Dr this time around who helped with the depressions before it got bad, my last Dr did nothing and didn’t seem to care at all. I appreciate that we have so many people who have shown their love for us through this great trial in our lives. It has been the most difficult thing for us to go through and we’re lucky to have so many people who love us and especially to have the love of each other. I know I wouldn’t even be able to sleep at night if Alex wasn’t right by my side to hold my hand (no seriously I hold his hand to fall asleep). The interesting thing I have been noticing the past few days is how different men and women are when it comes to wanting kids. We both want kids, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind because we’ll I’m a girl and we think about babies even when we’re little. Men well, they just don’t. It’s made for some interesting conversations the past few days in our house. I’ve almost given up on trying to lose weight, I need to do better. There were just SO MANY things that made me sick when I was pregnant that I’ve been indulging lately. I’ll get back on track! Life will get better and so will my attitude!

The Debate

I seem to be overwhelmed with feeling good, bad, and everything in between. I guess I’m sort of justified in my feelings but it’s making me feel crazy and I feel bad that Alex has to deal with my different moods. Some of my mood swings come from being on medication, but I’m staying on the medication until I run out because I don’t want to be in physical pain along with the mental pain. I don’t feel as depressed as I did last time but that is partly from the medication too. I’m scared that once I run out the medication the depression will hit and that freaks me out. I have an issue of being a planner and I feel like I have nothing to plan for right now. We had so many projects going on in the house to prepare for having a baby that I’m not sure what to do about those projects. I am still in school trying to finish before the end of the summer but I’m going to take some time off after the class I’m currently taking. I need a mental break or I’m going to get overly stressed. I’m going to try going back to work on Monday because there is just so much to do there and hopefully the distraction will be a good thing for me. I hope it won’t stress me out too much to be back at work so soon. Alex keeps telling me I need to relax but I’ve never been too good at relaxing. I worry too much about everything. I guess I’m kind of venting now… so… on to something else….

I have learned more about the procedure I would have to go through if we get pregnant again and honestly it is really kinds scary. I would have surgery and have my cervix sewn shut called a cervical cerclage when I got to 12 weeks of pregnancy then I would be on bed rest and if I got to 36 weeks the cerclage would be removed. This means I’d be on bed rest for almost 6 months, and considering I don’t see myself being able to afford to not work I don’t know how that will happen any time soon. The other problem with the procedure is that many women still have early term labors, the hope is that I would get to at least 28 weeks. So, the debate after our year break is over will be should we try to get pregnant again or should we consider adoption? I vote adoption more immediately and try for pregnancy later when Alex has a better job, but we’ll see what happens.

Well, now you are all aware of the decision making we have to look forward to in the next few years. Oh, PS each time we get pregnant we will have to go through the same procedure each time. Have fun thinking about what we might do.

The Crater in the Road

Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation and sometimes there is an explanation and we just don’t know it yet. This past Wednesday I got very sick. I have been sick a lot since getting pregnant but this time was different I got a high fever and we couldn’t get it to break. So, my Dr told me to go to the hospital. We went and they found out my white blood cell count was twice as much as it is supposed to be. So they admitted me and said I had an infection. They started pumping me full of antibiotics. We got the fever to break but it came back twice. Finally after the third time getting it to break it stayed away, but I was dehydrated and my body started having contractions. I was only 23 weeks pregnant and it was way too early to have a healthy baby. So they increased my fluids drastically to calm the contractions and it was working until my cervix collapsed. As soon as that happened the contractions got worse they were intense they gave me medication to try to get them to stop but I got fully dilated and my water broke. On January 21, 2012 we gave birth to our second son he was 1 pound 0.6 ounces, 11 ½ inches long. He was too small for the neonatologist to do anything to help him breath. It was another loss for our family. This time was different, last year when we lost Jr. he was small enough that the hospital took care of the cremation for us. This time Xander was too big for the free hospital program and so we found a funeral home that would do the cremation for us for a reasonable price. The process is difficult and emotionally taxing. No parent wants to outlive their children. Alex and I have been leaning on each other through this process and I’ve been able to feel the love of my Savior through this whole process. I’m just glad my sons have each other to spend time with. I know we’ll all be together after this life and that Alex and I will have the chance to teach our sons one day. It motivates us as parents to be more obedient and do more service.  

It’s going to take some time to heal and I’m sure there will be a lot of tear filled nights and days and even some anger but the grieving process is necessary to get through the loss. We do now know that I have an incompetent cervix and that if we decide to try to have another child there is a procedure they can do to sew my cervix shut to help us get closer to full term. It’s scary to think about possible going through this process again and we have a lot of decision making to go through in the future but for now we’re taking a year off to let us heal emotionally and physically. This year is for us and our marriage and we’ll see what the future brings for kids after that. We have the best support system and have been shown such love through this process and words could never express how thankful we are for everyone around us that has helped and been there to show us love. We love our sons and look forward to being with them some day.

Gravel Road

So… my sister in law was giving me hard time about slacking on my Blog posts… well, I haven’t been thinking about my blog because I’ve been so busy with life events. It’s the beginning of the new year and work is CRAZY because we’re getting peoples W2’s and 1099’s out for them along with end of year bookkeeping and payroll reports. On top of that we have over 5000 letters I still have to send out to tax clients to remind them to come in and see us this year. I usually get some of this done at the end of the previous year but I was sick and when I wasn’t sick I was not at my normal job I was at my Mom’s pre-school helping out while people were out. It’s been a BUSY time of year. I feel myself stressing out on a daily basis from everything that is going on. I’m trying to stay calm and take care of myself and the baby. Life has been like a gravel road it looks a little rough, you can't see too far ahead, and whatever just happened is fogged with dust.  

Along with work is the simple fact that I have only a few more classes and I’ll be finished with my MBA and the classes just keep getting more difficult. I’m currently in a Statistics class. I don’t mind the subject but I know many people do and we have group assignments and I feel like my group doesn’t know what they’re doing. I always believe people make things WAY more difficult than they need to be. Take the assignment we were doing today for example. I had said days ago that I would work on a specific part… when I got home to turn my part in tonight someone else had done my part and not theirs. Talk about stressin’ a pregnant lady out. I had to do a whole different part and I wasn’t prepared to spend that time doing that today. Well, the assignment is done and I hope the group will get with the program!