The Crater in the Road

Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation and sometimes there is an explanation and we just don’t know it yet. This past Wednesday I got very sick. I have been sick a lot since getting pregnant but this time was different I got a high fever and we couldn’t get it to break. So, my Dr told me to go to the hospital. We went and they found out my white blood cell count was twice as much as it is supposed to be. So they admitted me and said I had an infection. They started pumping me full of antibiotics. We got the fever to break but it came back twice. Finally after the third time getting it to break it stayed away, but I was dehydrated and my body started having contractions. I was only 23 weeks pregnant and it was way too early to have a healthy baby. So they increased my fluids drastically to calm the contractions and it was working until my cervix collapsed. As soon as that happened the contractions got worse they were intense they gave me medication to try to get them to stop but I got fully dilated and my water broke. On January 21, 2012 we gave birth to our second son he was 1 pound 0.6 ounces, 11 ½ inches long. He was too small for the neonatologist to do anything to help him breath. It was another loss for our family. This time was different, last year when we lost Jr. he was small enough that the hospital took care of the cremation for us. This time Xander was too big for the free hospital program and so we found a funeral home that would do the cremation for us for a reasonable price. The process is difficult and emotionally taxing. No parent wants to outlive their children. Alex and I have been leaning on each other through this process and I’ve been able to feel the love of my Savior through this whole process. I’m just glad my sons have each other to spend time with. I know we’ll all be together after this life and that Alex and I will have the chance to teach our sons one day. It motivates us as parents to be more obedient and do more service.  

It’s going to take some time to heal and I’m sure there will be a lot of tear filled nights and days and even some anger but the grieving process is necessary to get through the loss. We do now know that I have an incompetent cervix and that if we decide to try to have another child there is a procedure they can do to sew my cervix shut to help us get closer to full term. It’s scary to think about possible going through this process again and we have a lot of decision making to go through in the future but for now we’re taking a year off to let us heal emotionally and physically. This year is for us and our marriage and we’ll see what the future brings for kids after that. We have the best support system and have been shown such love through this process and words could never express how thankful we are for everyone around us that has helped and been there to show us love. We love our sons and look forward to being with them some day.