Friday, July 8, 2011

Rear View Mirror

So, there have been some interesting things happenin' around here and if you haven't heard about them let me tell you. The first thing happened in Mesa just over a mile from my work at the Mesa SRP plant where a transformer burst into flames and the fire was crazy. Then the power was out all over the valley for a long time, my house got power back at 2 pm but my parents didn't get power till 11 pm. Then a few days ago there was a MASSIVE dust storm it was like something out of the movies. It has left a ton of dust in the air and I've been a little sick (asthma) ever since. So that is the reflection on the local area.

I have some other reflective thoughts to share. First, the awesome news that I've lost 20 lbs so far. It hasn't always been easy but I'm glad this is workin' out for me. My families support is AMAZING! Alex is REALLY helpful with everything! Second, is something a little less light hearted. The past few days I've had a lot of time to think as I help cook at my mom's pre-school. Cooking is like therapy. Anyway, I've been thinking about a lot of different things and I had a thought that it would be good if I shared a little how it felt to me to lose a child.

First of all, I know some people may not believe that since our son was only 20 weeks that was was in fact "alive" but he was!! We had a few ultra sounds prior to our loss and he was so active and moves SO MUCH! He even had a little personality that looked like he was already going to be like his father. He even looked like Alex. Only having had the opportunity to live with him for 20 weeks in my mind doesn't mean it was any less painful to lose him. For months I felt empty, I still do at times. He was such a part of my life and I had already planned a future with him in it. Every time I go into our spare room I'm reminded of the fact that we're missing a member of our family here on earth. I know my love for that little boy will never go away and I'll never feel fully whole again but I know that one day I will have the answers I long for. I keep thinking that he was needed some place else. Alex and I debated on using the name we would have named our son and we decided that our first son that is born alive will be names after Alex just like we had planned all along. It was a difficult decision to make but we feel good about it.

Well, there are my jumbled thought, hopefully soon I'll feel like I don't need to look back in my 'rear view mirror' so much!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Speed Bump

If you have even tried to conceive for any amount of time you are likely familiar with how I feel every four weeks. I anticipate the moment where the pregnancy test comes back positive. I take a test regularly until I realize it is not happening this month. Anyone TTC will feel sad and a little upset for at least a period of time. I keep feeling that I should try harder but I don't know how that could even happen. Then I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Then I wonder if I'm missing something and if it is even going to happen, again. I think these times spent trying to have a family are filled with these speed bumps to teach me a lesson but I don't know what that lesson is yet. I'm still working on myself and learning and trying to be a better person, I just struggle with whatever lesson this is! Well, I'm keepin this short and sweet!