The Truth!

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Merge

Well, I haven't known what to write in here. So... here's an update... I am pregnant again. We're 17 weeks in right now. Just like last time I've been super sick the whole time but my Dr is MUCH better this time and put me on some medication to help me feel better, and I do most of the time! So, obviously I'm not so worried about losing weight although I had lost 20 lbs while being sick and I'm still 6 lbs from before I got pregnant because I got so sick. It's okay though because I feel healthy and I eat and drink lots of water. Being pregnant doesn't void the loss from last year and sometimes because of the hormones I feel ever more sad than I had been feeling for months. I just keep reminding myself that it'll all be okay. I just get sad that our kids won't know their brother. Also, we found out last week that we're having a boy again. That also is really emotional for me because now for some odd reason I'm even more scared. I just worry because I don't think I can deal with going through the loss again. We had decided shortly after our loss last year that our son who died didn't need an earthly name we would have given him so our plan is to name our first healthy born son Alexander Leigh Ray Jr. and we'll call him Xander. I still miss my baby boy and it's only been a year but I feel blessed that we are able to feel the joy of bringing a son into our family in May. So, my emotions merge the sad and happy into confusion often but I try to let the joy outweigh the sad. It's a daily battle, one that I plan on winning!

Men At Work

I feel like there isn't a lot to share lately. I'm just getting my health in check and hopefully my hormones will balance out. I've felt like giving up on losing weight a lot lately because at times I feel helpless. However, I haven't given up if I do now I won't want to get back on track. I've resolved to work harder this week and to make smarter choices. I have been in charge of the lessons in Primary this month and they have all been about treating our bodies as temples. I fully believe this month was meant for me because I need to treat my body right; eat right and exercise and stop feeling bad for myself. Alex and I have had some life changing events that have molded us to be who we are today and I refuse to be a sad person because I have to work harder than other just to have a family. It's funny because I kept feeling like... some people wait for a  missionary, other a spouse, other for a baby... I have waited for them all. It doesn't make it easy but I know that I appreciate Alex SO MUCH because all that happened with us before we got married. I can't tell you how often people ask us if we just got married. I hope that with all the changes that will happen to us in the future I hope that people thinking we have the love of newly weds never changes. I love that we appreciate the little moments we have together! I truly know I have married the BEST MAN for me and all the waiting was worth it! I know it'll be the same once we have our own kids, we'll both have such an appreciation for them!

We grow as we work hard and I've been doing well in my MBA class and can't believe I'll be graduated in less than a year. I should graduate in May or June and it's amazing to know that I'll have accomplished something that I always told myself I'd do. The next obstacle is to find a job that pays for that education so I can pay off the loan! :) Lots of prayer on that one! There's a lot of work ahead in my life and I'm getting excited and nervous about it.

Bumps

So, last week I went to my OB because I’ve been in A LOT of pain and I had a feeling it was cysts on my ovaries. So, she ran a bunch of test and I’ve know that I had PCOS but I hadn’t ever been officially diagnosed. So I went back today for the results and I do have PCOS.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant and other problems.

I did receive some results that I didn’t expect. She also found out that I have Hypothyroidism.

Hypothyroidism is a condition in which the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroid hormone.

I will not be on a bunch of medication to try and fix my body and hopefully make it so I can finally get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. I hope that this will all work out and that my body will heal itself. My Dr said it is likely that my thyroid created problems for me while being pregnant and could be why we lost the baby.  I have a ultrasound tomorrow to see how bad the cysts are, hopefully not too bad.

Sorted

I'm
a Hufflepuff!

Pot Hole

It's been some time since my last post because I haven't known what to write. There is a lot going on with me, some great some not so great. Isn't that the same with everyone? We got a new puppy... which I am still a little scared about I don't want my stuff chewed up, but she is cute and keeps me busy. She like to snuggle and I love that! I am back in school and trying to stay on top of my school work! I worked out at the pre-school for a few weeks cooking and it was actually a nice little break from my normal job it was nice to enjoy cooking and watching two-year-old's play while I cook (their classroom was right by the kitchen).

I have been experiencing some great pain in my ovaries so I finally went to the DR... fetal demise... this is a term I didn't remember hearing before but it is how they categorize what happened to us back in December. Infertility, it's what they are testing me for and hopefully the tests will be back in a week or so. I have always had cysts but they are now thinking there are more than just cysts preventing me from getting pregnant again. My mind has went all over the place knowing that not only am I in great pain but I also can't get pregnant because something is not right in my body. It feels so... annoying... I am already 26 and worried I won't get pregnant for a long time and then we won't be able to have as many kids as we would like. I would LOVE to adopt and have always wanted to, but I don't have thousands of dollars to adopt. They need a realistic way for normal people to adopt it's just so expensive! Needless to say I have no idea what is going to happen but hopefully Alex and I will be able to figure out what we should do, and hopefully we'll know soon! This is a HUGE pot hole in my life right now, I REALLY want to be a mom!!!

Rear View Mirror

So, there have been some interesting things happenin' around here and if you haven't heard about them let me tell you. The first thing happened in Mesa just over a mile from my work at the Mesa SRP plant where a transformer burst into flames and the fire was crazy. Then the power was out all over the valley for a long time, my house got power back at 2 pm but my parents didn't get power till 11 pm. Then a few days ago there was a MASSIVE dust storm it was like something out of the movies. It has left a ton of dust in the air and I've been a little sick (asthma) ever since. So that is the reflection on the local area.

I have some other reflective thoughts to share. First, the awesome news that I've lost 20 lbs so far. It hasn't always been easy but I'm glad this is workin' out for me. My families support is AMAZING! Alex is REALLY helpful with everything! Second, is something a little less light hearted. The past few days I've had a lot of time to think as I help cook at my mom's pre-school. Cooking is like therapy. Anyway, I've been thinking about a lot of different things and I had a thought that it would be good if I shared a little how it felt to me to lose a child.

First of all, I know some people may not believe that since our son was only 20 weeks that was was in fact "alive" but he was!! We had a few ultra sounds prior to our loss and he was so active and moves SO MUCH! He even had a little personality that looked like he was already going to be like his father. He even looked like Alex. Only having had the opportunity to live with him for 20 weeks in my mind doesn't mean it was any less painful to lose him. For months I felt empty, I still do at times. He was such a part of my life and I had already planned a future with him in it. Every time I go into our spare room I'm reminded of the fact that we're missing a member of our family here on earth. I know my love for that little boy will never go away and I'll never feel fully whole again but I know that one day I will have the answers I long for. I keep thinking that he was needed some place else. Alex and I debated on using the name we would have named our son and we decided that our first son that is born alive will be names after Alex just like we had planned all along. It was a difficult decision to make but we feel good about it.

Well, there are my jumbled thought, hopefully soon I'll feel like I don't need to look back in my 'rear view mirror' so much!

Speed Bump

If you have even tried to conceive for any amount of time you are likely familiar with how I feel every four weeks. I anticipate the moment where the pregnancy test comes back positive. I take a test regularly until I realize it is not happening this month. Anyone TTC will feel sad and a little upset for at least a period of time. I keep feeling that I should try harder but I don't know how that could even happen. Then I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Then I wonder if I'm missing something and if it is even going to happen, again. I think these times spent trying to have a family are filled with these speed bumps to teach me a lesson but I don't know what that lesson is yet. I'm still working on myself and learning and trying to be a better person, I just struggle with whatever lesson this is! Well, I'm keepin this short and sweet!

Look Out Point

You know how when you take a road trip some place how there is often "look out points" along the way. I'm usually so interested in getting to my destination that I don't stop. I do however, always seem to look over the beautiful land that is on display at those look out points. It seems to me that taking a drive to see the look out points would be a fun and rewarding road trip. I think our life is the same way. We're usually so busy trying to get to the next destination we forget to look at the beautiful think all around us. I have also thought of those points as a time to reflect. Although my life hasn't always been like the newly paved road and sometimes it way need some pot holes filled it has been a fun ride none the less. I've taken this week and this post to do some reflecting and to try to stop at my own look out points and be amazed at all that I have been given.

I have been so blessed to have an AMAZING family. I literally couldn't ask for a better family for me. My parents have taught me well and have always been there for me. It is also amazing to me the close friendships I have with each of my siblings, their spouses, and their kids. It is so rare that we all get along so well and even when we don't agree we are able to move past that and strengthen each other. Alex being the most important person to me has given me such strength and when times are difficult he is there for me to lean on. Second, I have been blessed to live in a free country where I may not always agree with  my leaders but at least I can make choices in my life and know I will be protected by my freedoms.

I believe my biggest blessing is the knowledge I have been given, I have been able to learn so much on so many levels. Most importantly the knowledge I have in my religion knowing who I am, where I came from, and why I'm on this earth is something that can't be bought. The testimony I have has taken my whole life to develop and grow and I'm always learning so I can be a greater asset to my Lord. Also, the 'earthly' knowledge I have. Alex and I often talk about how I just seem to know and remember things. I never really learned how to study and yet I'm more than half way through with my MBA it is amazing that I am able to recall the things I need to at the right time. I love learning on all levels. Life's not always easy and sometimes when we have struggles it is important to stop at our own look out points and remember all the blessings we have been given.

"Are We There Yet?"

I just had a few more thoughts for the day. I wanted to explain this weight loss challenge my family is doing. There are several of us who decided we need each others motivation to help us lose the weight we need to in order to be a healthier family. Each Sunday we all get together at my parents house and weigh in, the person who had the biggest % of weight loss get a $1 from each of the other people participating. It's been a great motivation for me and kept me wanting to win and doing a much better job at keeping my sights at the "end of the road".

My other thought has nothing to do with weight loss. I am working at being more positive about my life and the trials I have been through. I do have to say that it seems the updates I see the most on facebook are from my friends who are pregnant and those little "weekly" updates on how far along they are. While I'm so happy for them it is a little overwhelming to see on a daily basis when you are trying so hard to have a family and for some it looks to be so effortless. I actually wonder if they realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant and have healthy kids. (I'm just saying' kids aren't always easy but if you have them be grateful for them!)

2 More Miles(tones)

Well, I lost 2 lbs this week. I can't believe the past few weeks have felt very easy when it comes to losing weight. I think it's just the tender mercies because other live events have been difficult for me.... i.e. School. It's just awesome to be getting healthier and over come my food addiction. This is the start of my healthy part of life. I also hope being healthier will help me get pregnant and have a full term healthy pregnancy!

Road Closed

Okay, so, here is a little background about me and my life. It's important to know the purpose of why this blog is important to me. Lets start with when I was younger. Although I had a great childhood and teen life there had always been one problem for me. My weight. I have always been one of the "big" kids and although I was also a tall kid I've been heavy for most of my life. I can't blame anyone but myself and my lack of good eating and lack of exercise. I always liked TV and just sitting around. I was alright at some sports when I was younger and I even took some weight lifting classes in High School but alas I am still to this day over weight. I'm not the biggest person I know but I'm not as health as I should be either. Also, this past year has been a big trial for me and I've gained a lot more weight that is now making my weight annoying to me. So... that bring me to a big part of what I'll be sharing on this blog. I am currently doing a weight loss program 'Weight Watchers'. It has been working so far, I've lost over 16lbs in the past 2 months. So, I'll share the every day struggles of losing weight and how I work through it.

Second is the other main reason I feel this blog is important. Last December I lost a baby at 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It's been a difficult experience and has not been too fun to say the least. I'll share my story  here and hopefully help others who have pregnancy issues. I've found there isn't a lot out there online for people in this situation, it's important we help each other out.

So, here's the story of the past baby drama. (Sorry, I use comedy to lighten the mood) Anyway, when I was about 19 I found out I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrom) "Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems." (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/) Well, I was told at that time that it could make if difficult for me to get pregnant later on in life. So, only a month after Alex and I got married we decided we should start trying to have a family. We didn't think I would get pregnant very quick because of the PCOS, we didn't even know if I would get pregnant at all.

Needless to say we were TOTALLY shocked when after only a few months I was pregnant. It was a very exciting time for us I couldn't believe it had happened. It was hitting the end of summer and I would have a baby just after I turned 26. Being pregnant wasn't as fun as I had planned one. I ended up having crazy bad 'morning sickness' which meant nearly all day I was sick for months. I even missed time at work because there were days where I couldn't even get out of bed without being sick. I lost about 15 lbs during two months of being pregnant. Finally, fall hit and it was the end of October and the first three months were over and the sickness was getting less and less. I felt I was out of the clear I thought everything would be just fun until April. I even had the energy to make Thanksgiving pies.

The week of Thanksgiving we went to the Dr. for the ultra sound to tell us the sex of our baby and weren't even surprised to find it was a boy. Alex and I were just so excited to be having a son and I could already tell he was going to be like his father. Then on December 5th the most devastating thing happened, my water broke. As soon as it happened I felt like my mind left my body. I knew it was over, I knew there wasn't anything I could do, I knew my son was gone. Alex rushed me to the hospital and although the ultra sound showed our sons heart beating still they said there was nothing they could do. He wouldn't survive. They admitted me to the women's center and gave me some medication to finish the labor process. I had to give birth to my dead son. The morning of December 6th I finally gave birth to our tiny little boy. Just as the Dr's though his heart had already stopped beating. He was gone and yet holding him I felt like part of me had been taken away.

Alex and I spent that day holding him and trying to comfort each other. It is something I wish upon no person. When we left the hospital that evening we left our son behind and part of my heart. That next week was a blur of sorrow. I've never felt so lost and alone and sad and helpless. I took the next few weeks off work to recover and had lots of time to think and cry. Four weeks later I visited with my Dr and she said they didn't find anything wrong with our son or me. So, we don't know how that will play into our future.

It's been 6 months now and although I still cry often because I'm still missing a part of me I've found hope in the future. We're trying to figure out where to go from here. Getting pregnant hasn't been as easy and who knows if it'll happen again and if so when. We've talked about adopting but can't really afford it, we want to be foster parents but I guess we live in the wrong county. It's been a bumpy road with HUGE blasting zones but that part of our life is past, that road is closed and we're looking at alternate routes. Hopefully with smaller blasting zones.

First of Many

So, I've been debating on doing a blog about the past year or so and I finally feel like it's the right time. There's been a lot to talk (or write) about and maybe something I put on here will help someone else out! Or, maybe it'll just be good therapy for me. Either way, it'll be an experience.

So, why "Blasting Zone Ahead"? Well, first off life is kind of like a blasting zone because you are going to have difficulties and you never know when they'll hit. In the past year I have has some crazy life experiences that I believe are worth sharing. Also, I LOVE comedy and there is a joke by my favorite comedian that talks about "Blasting Zone Ahead". Brian Regan anyone??? Anyway, if your haven't heard it listen to it and if you have I suggest a re-listen in the near future. I have found that comedy can help us get through our own life blasting zones. It's what has kept me a bit sane in the last year.

Well, I'll be sure to write more in the near future. I'm still learning how to set this whole blog thing up so be patient with me as I learn and I hope you enjoy!