Road Closed

Okay, so, here is a little background about me and my life. It's important to know the purpose of why this blog is important to me. Lets start with when I was younger. Although I had a great childhood and teen life there had always been one problem for me. My weight. I have always been one of the "big" kids and although I was also a tall kid I've been heavy for most of my life. I can't blame anyone but myself and my lack of good eating and lack of exercise. I always liked TV and just sitting around. I was alright at some sports when I was younger and I even took some weight lifting classes in High School but alas I am still to this day over weight. I'm not the biggest person I know but I'm not as health as I should be either. Also, this past year has been a big trial for me and I've gained a lot more weight that is now making my weight annoying to me. So... that bring me to a big part of what I'll be sharing on this blog. I am currently doing a weight loss program 'Weight Watchers'. It has been working so far, I've lost over 16lbs in the past 2 months. So, I'll share the every day struggles of losing weight and how I work through it.

Second is the other main reason I feel this blog is important. Last December I lost a baby at 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It's been a difficult experience and has not been too fun to say the least. I'll share my story  here and hopefully help others who have pregnancy issues. I've found there isn't a lot out there online for people in this situation, it's important we help each other out.

So, here's the story of the past baby drama. (Sorry, I use comedy to lighten the mood) Anyway, when I was about 19 I found out I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrom) "Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems." (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/) Well, I was told at that time that it could make if difficult for me to get pregnant later on in life. So, only a month after Alex and I got married we decided we should start trying to have a family. We didn't think I would get pregnant very quick because of the PCOS, we didn't even know if I would get pregnant at all.

Needless to say we were TOTALLY shocked when after only a few months I was pregnant. It was a very exciting time for us I couldn't believe it had happened. It was hitting the end of summer and I would have a baby just after I turned 26. Being pregnant wasn't as fun as I had planned one. I ended up having crazy bad 'morning sickness' which meant nearly all day I was sick for months. I even missed time at work because there were days where I couldn't even get out of bed without being sick. I lost about 15 lbs during two months of being pregnant. Finally, fall hit and it was the end of October and the first three months were over and the sickness was getting less and less. I felt I was out of the clear I thought everything would be just fun until April. I even had the energy to make Thanksgiving pies.

The week of Thanksgiving we went to the Dr. for the ultra sound to tell us the sex of our baby and weren't even surprised to find it was a boy. Alex and I were just so excited to be having a son and I could already tell he was going to be like his father. Then on December 5th the most devastating thing happened, my water broke. As soon as it happened I felt like my mind left my body. I knew it was over, I knew there wasn't anything I could do, I knew my son was gone. Alex rushed me to the hospital and although the ultra sound showed our sons heart beating still they said there was nothing they could do. He wouldn't survive. They admitted me to the women's center and gave me some medication to finish the labor process. I had to give birth to my dead son. The morning of December 6th I finally gave birth to our tiny little boy. Just as the Dr's though his heart had already stopped beating. He was gone and yet holding him I felt like part of me had been taken away.

Alex and I spent that day holding him and trying to comfort each other. It is something I wish upon no person. When we left the hospital that evening we left our son behind and part of my heart. That next week was a blur of sorrow. I've never felt so lost and alone and sad and helpless. I took the next few weeks off work to recover and had lots of time to think and cry. Four weeks later I visited with my Dr and she said they didn't find anything wrong with our son or me. So, we don't know how that will play into our future.

It's been 6 months now and although I still cry often because I'm still missing a part of me I've found hope in the future. We're trying to figure out where to go from here. Getting pregnant hasn't been as easy and who knows if it'll happen again and if so when. We've talked about adopting but can't really afford it, we want to be foster parents but I guess we live in the wrong county. It's been a bumpy road with HUGE blasting zones but that part of our life is past, that road is closed and we're looking at alternate routes. Hopefully with smaller blasting zones.