Merge

Well, I haven't known what to write in here. So... here's an update... I am pregnant again. We're 17 weeks in right now. Just like last time I've been super sick the whole time but my Dr is MUCH better this time and put me on some medication to help me feel better, and I do most of the time! So, obviously I'm not so worried about losing weight although I had lost 20 lbs while being sick and I'm still 6 lbs from before I got pregnant because I got so sick. It's okay though because I feel healthy and I eat and drink lots of water. Being pregnant doesn't void the loss from last year and sometimes because of the hormones I feel ever more sad than I had been feeling for months. I just keep reminding myself that it'll all be okay. I just get sad that our kids won't know their brother. Also, we found out last week that we're having a boy again. That also is really emotional for me because now for some odd reason I'm even more scared. I just worry because I don't think I can deal with going through the loss again. We had decided shortly after our loss last year that our son who died didn't need an earthly name we would have given him so our plan is to name our first healthy born son Alexander Leigh Ray Jr. and we'll call him Xander. I still miss my baby boy and it's only been a year but I feel blessed that we are able to feel the joy of bringing a son into our family in May. So, my emotions merge the sad and happy into confusion often but I try to let the joy outweigh the sad. It's a daily battle, one that I plan on winning!