Day One

So, I signed up for Weight Watchers again. Thank goodness Alex works for Home Depot (discount). I also found a super cheap boot camp and joined. Today was my first day of camp. I went with high expectations. I got there a bit late (which I hate) because it’s about 40 min away from my home. The class started with running… I was scared because I know I’m SOOOOO out of shape. I got going and didn’t do too bad. We did a ton of exercises and by the end of class I thought I was going to die or at least throw up. I held myself together and got in my car for the long drive home. I felt like I was so sick the whole way home. I was thinking of excuses why I couldn’t go back and trying to justify the money I spent for not going. I finally got home and still felt super sick. I finally got feeling better. I ate dinner and am now doing fine. I even took a short bike ride with Edith to get some of her energy out. I’m still feeling weak but I’m excited for the day that at the end of class I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of death.

Life Lately

So, I’ve been debating on how to write how I’ve been feeling. Life has been CRAZY! I’m in my final masters class and will graduate at the end of June. Alex and I are getting another beautiful puppy (Boe) and we couldn’t be more excited. Alex just started a 2^nd job with Home Depot and is making progress on deciding what to do for school and his future. I am still interviewing and looking for a new job. I have been lacking motivation to do much else but I’ve been forcing myself to complete projects around the house and I even signed up for a fitness class starting next week. I have been on some different medications for my asthma and it is kind of messing up my weight, but I’ll get it back in order. I have been trying to get off some medication my OBGYN gave me after January and it is really messing up my hormone levels so sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. The interesting thing is that despite everything else most of the time all I think about is kids. It causes me to feel very sad because I have such a desire to be a Mom and although I have two perfect boys its hard to not see them every day. I try to not feel angry that they aren’t here with us and I’m trying to build my faith in the Lords plan for me. I usually do okay but every day is a struggle. I feel silly that I cry at formula commercials, when someone’s kid smiles at me, or when I hear someone yelling in the store “mommy”. I even get a little tear when I see some toddler being naughty. I’m not writing this so people will feel sorry for me or offer advice (PLEASE NO ADVICE). I have been counseled to write my feeling down regularly and I have no reason to hide how I feel from other people. I have tried ignoring going to my Mom’s pre-school because I just want to steal the infants (LOL). Alas, the pre-school is part of my life and my job. We are so blessed in our lives and I know many years down the road we’ll see what we learned these past two years but it isn’t always fun learning these kinds of lessons. We do not need advice from anyone other than the Lord and as much as we appreciate those who love us they aren’t us so they don’t get to understand what we know.

I have learned some great truths through these past two years. I remember wanting to better understand the Gospel but I didn’t know the price we would pay to be taught what we know now! I know there is SO MUCH more we have not been taught in the church as a whole because so many people would not be able to handle the truth. We understand some precious truths about the strong bonds that are made with a Temple marriage. We have a greater understanding of who we are and who our family is! I’m thankful for the knowledge I have and hope some day the church as a whole will be ready for these great truths.

Ignorance

The term “ignorance is bliss” is misleading. It is only bliss for the ignorant person not the people around them! I have recently received many letters, e-mails, texts, and other communications sending “regards” and “best wishes”. I don’t mind the great outpouring of love. In fact I appreciate it and am thankful for it. I just have had a few people who with their sympathies have felt the need to give advice. Some of which is ignorant. The common theme seems to be that Alex and I should stop “trying” to have a family because my body in some way “isn’t ready” despite the fact that I know those who say this mean well it is ignorant. It is an ‘old school’ mentality and so I know those who have said something will not be readying this but maybe word will get to them somehow. I AM NOT BROKEN. I have a physical problem that can luckily be fixed thanks to medical knowledge. I am lucky that the Lord has promised me that I will have children and that I will always be ready for children. Despite old school mentality we as women will not get pregnant if we are not ready. Women’s bodies don’t work that way and never have.

Anyway, Alex and I are doing what we feel we are supposed to do in all aspects of life. We are going to turn to the Lord for our answers not man. We are going to follow the scriptures, leaders council, dr’s advice, and personal spiritual guidance we have received and are still receiving. And if there is any doubt on the medical side of things my Dr is encouraging us to get pregnant as soon as we want because medically my body can handle and will be fine being pregnant because now we know the problem and will have the proper medical help to get through the whole thing! J So when we are both ready we will do what we feel is best!

Be Warned

Apparently some people got offended with my comment that employers should pay their employees for their education. I believe that those who got offended read what they wanted out of my comment and left the rest. I NEVER said you’re dumb if you didn’t get an advanced education. I have many people in my life who have chosen to not do this some of whom are VERY smart! I know experience speaks volumes. My comment involved education AND experience. Everyone’s life situations are different. I personally have taken time out of my social life to get an advanced education because I knew it was important, I wanted to, and I felt that was what the Lord wanted ME to do. I do not look down on anyone who has not made the same life decisions I have. I did not have an easy road through college; I worked full-time my whole way through. I have dealt with difficult situations and even took time off for a study abroad program and a mission. I worked hard in school and got really good grades and even got a scholarship part way through my undergrad.

I am writing this because I wanted to clear the air. It has been bothering me and since this is MY blog I decided I could write what I wanted. Yes, I deleted negative comments on facebook from people. If you don’t like what I say (likely because you only partly read what I was saying) then keep those comments off my facebook page. I know none of us are perfect. I was just venting that an employer had looked at my resume and spoken with me about an available position and informed me that despite my “excellent resume” (his words) that my pay would “be the same as all other new employees even if they had little work experience or schooling” (also his words). The position didn’t require much education or experience but the job description said salary DOE, so knowing that they were willing to supposedly adjust the salary I applied. Had I known there was a set salary I would not have been annoyed.

Sorry to those great people who read my blog, this is not typically what I write about. I obviously did not go forward with that company and I have moved on in my job prospects. I just wanted to be clear with the situation that happened last month.

Move Forward

So lately I've become obsessed with Pinterest (follow me). It's REALLY addicting. I have also been working on finding a career that will allow me to work from home. That way no matter what future decisions we make we'll have financial stability. Then when we have kids I can stay home with them and if I get pregnant I can be on bed rest and still work! Alex and I have both been trying to better our financial situation and build our relationship together. I am almost done with school (1 class left) and I'll have my MBA.

I have been thinking a lot about life and how so many things get thrown our way. On Sunday I was reminded that when we put our lives in the Lords hands and we do what He has asked us to do things will work out. I am compelled to take steps in my life that don't always make sense but they always provide an outcome that works (even if I don't like it).

Alex and I have a lot of decisions to make in the future but I'm glad we chose each other to share eternity with. I can't imagine ever going through life without him!

The Answer is NO!!

About two weeks ago Alex and I had discussed what we would like to do going forward for our family. We both felt like adoption was the best option for us right now and knowing how long the adoption process can take we started taking steps to get going on an adoption. I started looking up some ways to help fund the adoption because it is a lot of out of pocket cost compared to being pregnant with insurance. We started filling out paper work and contacting a lawyer. We had all the pieces in a row ready to put the puzzle together, then somehow the pieces we had thinking the puzzle was complete it was all wrong.

We don’t know what we’re going to do now, but it looks like its not going to be adoption right now. I have never had such a strong answer to my prayers. We prayed about our decision and went forward with it and just yesterday we got our answer. NO! I am upset that we had taken so many steps and had even got some funding in place but none of it got too far that we couldn’t stop or reverse it. We hadn’t spent any of the funds so they were returned to those who had given them.

I don’t like feeling so lost. I wish we knew what we were supposed to do now. I’m trying to focus on school and finding a new job and hopefully we’ll figure out what steps to take next!

LOVE!

We all have our moments: of self-pity, self-doubt, anger, sorrow, and jealousy. I try to avoid these feelings but the other day when I was getting sick I noticed myself walking through the store feeling sorry for myself. It was not a feeling I like to feel. I feel selfish when I do feel this way. I wanted to give a piece of comfort to all those women and men who have held their perfect child (or children) in their arms sobbing, hoping, and wishing they would just breath and live. Those men and women who will never forget those perfect ones even when the rest of the world does. Those men and women who know those perfect children lived even if some people don’t believe it.

My words of peace are this: they were perfect! So perfect that they couldn’t stay with us on this earth with so much pain and sin. They were perfect and that means that as their parents we have perfect children waiting for us. They were perfect and as their parents we somehow earned the trust of God to have these perfect children. God knows us, He would never let us suffer something we couldn’t handle. It isn’t easy but after this life when we reunite with our perfect children we’ll feel his grace, mercy, and LOVE!