The Debate

I seem to be overwhelmed with feeling good, bad, and everything in between. I guess I’m sort of justified in my feelings but it’s making me feel crazy and I feel bad that Alex has to deal with my different moods. Some of my mood swings come from being on medication, but I’m staying on the medication until I run out because I don’t want to be in physical pain along with the mental pain. I don’t feel as depressed as I did last time but that is partly from the medication too. I’m scared that once I run out the medication the depression will hit and that freaks me out. I have an issue of being a planner and I feel like I have nothing to plan for right now. We had so many projects going on in the house to prepare for having a baby that I’m not sure what to do about those projects. I am still in school trying to finish before the end of the summer but I’m going to take some time off after the class I’m currently taking. I need a mental break or I’m going to get overly stressed. I’m going to try going back to work on Monday because there is just so much to do there and hopefully the distraction will be a good thing for me. I hope it won’t stress me out too much to be back at work so soon. Alex keeps telling me I need to relax but I’ve never been too good at relaxing. I worry too much about everything. I guess I’m kind of venting now… so… on to something else….

I have learned more about the procedure I would have to go through if we get pregnant again and honestly it is really kinds scary. I would have surgery and have my cervix sewn shut called a cervical cerclage when I got to 12 weeks of pregnancy then I would be on bed rest and if I got to 36 weeks the cerclage would be removed. This means I’d be on bed rest for almost 6 months, and considering I don’t see myself being able to afford to not work I don’t know how that will happen any time soon. The other problem with the procedure is that many women still have early term labors, the hope is that I would get to at least 28 weeks. So, the debate after our year break is over will be should we try to get pregnant again or should we consider adoption? I vote adoption more immediately and try for pregnancy later when Alex has a better job, but we’ll see what happens.

Well, now you are all aware of the decision making we have to look forward to in the next few years. Oh, PS each time we get pregnant we will have to go through the same procedure each time. Have fun thinking about what we might do.

The Crater in the Road

Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation and sometimes there is an explanation and we just don’t know it yet. This past Wednesday I got very sick. I have been sick a lot since getting pregnant but this time was different I got a high fever and we couldn’t get it to break. So, my Dr told me to go to the hospital. We went and they found out my white blood cell count was twice as much as it is supposed to be. So they admitted me and said I had an infection. They started pumping me full of antibiotics. We got the fever to break but it came back twice. Finally after the third time getting it to break it stayed away, but I was dehydrated and my body started having contractions. I was only 23 weeks pregnant and it was way too early to have a healthy baby. So they increased my fluids drastically to calm the contractions and it was working until my cervix collapsed. As soon as that happened the contractions got worse they were intense they gave me medication to try to get them to stop but I got fully dilated and my water broke. On January 21, 2012 we gave birth to our second son he was 1 pound 0.6 ounces, 11 ½ inches long. He was too small for the neonatologist to do anything to help him breath. It was another loss for our family. This time was different, last year when we lost Jr. he was small enough that the hospital took care of the cremation for us. This time Xander was too big for the free hospital program and so we found a funeral home that would do the cremation for us for a reasonable price. The process is difficult and emotionally taxing. No parent wants to outlive their children. Alex and I have been leaning on each other through this process and I’ve been able to feel the love of my Savior through this whole process. I’m just glad my sons have each other to spend time with. I know we’ll all be together after this life and that Alex and I will have the chance to teach our sons one day. It motivates us as parents to be more obedient and do more service.  

It’s going to take some time to heal and I’m sure there will be a lot of tear filled nights and days and even some anger but the grieving process is necessary to get through the loss. We do now know that I have an incompetent cervix and that if we decide to try to have another child there is a procedure they can do to sew my cervix shut to help us get closer to full term. It’s scary to think about possible going through this process again and we have a lot of decision making to go through in the future but for now we’re taking a year off to let us heal emotionally and physically. This year is for us and our marriage and we’ll see what the future brings for kids after that. We have the best support system and have been shown such love through this process and words could never express how thankful we are for everyone around us that has helped and been there to show us love. We love our sons and look forward to being with them some day.

Gravel Road

So… my sister in law was giving me hard time about slacking on my Blog posts… well, I haven’t been thinking about my blog because I’ve been so busy with life events. It’s the beginning of the new year and work is CRAZY because we’re getting peoples W2’s and 1099’s out for them along with end of year bookkeeping and payroll reports. On top of that we have over 5000 letters I still have to send out to tax clients to remind them to come in and see us this year. I usually get some of this done at the end of the previous year but I was sick and when I wasn’t sick I was not at my normal job I was at my Mom’s pre-school helping out while people were out. It’s been a BUSY time of year. I feel myself stressing out on a daily basis from everything that is going on. I’m trying to stay calm and take care of myself and the baby. Life has been like a gravel road it looks a little rough, you can't see too far ahead, and whatever just happened is fogged with dust.  

Along with work is the simple fact that I have only a few more classes and I’ll be finished with my MBA and the classes just keep getting more difficult. I’m currently in a Statistics class. I don’t mind the subject but I know many people do and we have group assignments and I feel like my group doesn’t know what they’re doing. I always believe people make things WAY more difficult than they need to be. Take the assignment we were doing today for example. I had said days ago that I would work on a specific part… when I got home to turn my part in tonight someone else had done my part and not theirs. Talk about stressin’ a pregnant lady out. I had to do a whole different part and I wasn’t prepared to spend that time doing that today. Well, the assignment is done and I hope the group will get with the program!