Move Forward

So lately I've become obsessed with Pinterest (follow me). It's REALLY addicting. I have also been working on finding a career that will allow me to work from home. That way no matter what future decisions we make we'll have financial stability. Then when we have kids I can stay home with them and if I get pregnant I can be on bed rest and still work! Alex and I have both been trying to better our financial situation and build our relationship together. I am almost done with school (1 class left) and I'll have my MBA.

I have been thinking a lot about life and how so many things get thrown our way. On Sunday I was reminded that when we put our lives in the Lords hands and we do what He has asked us to do things will work out. I am compelled to take steps in my life that don't always make sense but they always provide an outcome that works (even if I don't like it).

Alex and I have a lot of decisions to make in the future but I'm glad we chose each other to share eternity with. I can't imagine ever going through life without him!

The Answer is NO!!

About two weeks ago Alex and I had discussed what we would like to do going forward for our family. We both felt like adoption was the best option for us right now and knowing how long the adoption process can take we started taking steps to get going on an adoption. I started looking up some ways to help fund the adoption because it is a lot of out of pocket cost compared to being pregnant with insurance. We started filling out paper work and contacting a lawyer. We had all the pieces in a row ready to put the puzzle together, then somehow the pieces we had thinking the puzzle was complete it was all wrong.

We don’t know what we’re going to do now, but it looks like its not going to be adoption right now. I have never had such a strong answer to my prayers. We prayed about our decision and went forward with it and just yesterday we got our answer. NO! I am upset that we had taken so many steps and had even got some funding in place but none of it got too far that we couldn’t stop or reverse it. We hadn’t spent any of the funds so they were returned to those who had given them.

I don’t like feeling so lost. I wish we knew what we were supposed to do now. I’m trying to focus on school and finding a new job and hopefully we’ll figure out what steps to take next!

LOVE!

We all have our moments: of self-pity, self-doubt, anger, sorrow, and jealousy. I try to avoid these feelings but the other day when I was getting sick I noticed myself walking through the store feeling sorry for myself. It was not a feeling I like to feel. I feel selfish when I do feel this way. I wanted to give a piece of comfort to all those women and men who have held their perfect child (or children) in their arms sobbing, hoping, and wishing they would just breath and live. Those men and women who will never forget those perfect ones even when the rest of the world does. Those men and women who know those perfect children lived even if some people don’t believe it.

My words of peace are this: they were perfect! So perfect that they couldn’t stay with us on this earth with so much pain and sin. They were perfect and that means that as their parents we have perfect children waiting for us. They were perfect and as their parents we somehow earned the trust of God to have these perfect children. God knows us, He would never let us suffer something we couldn’t handle. It isn’t easy but after this life when we reunite with our perfect children we’ll feel his grace, mercy, and LOVE!

Jack Hammer

So, Alex and I have been ill today and so I've been home trying to get him and I better. I feel so bad for him because this past Friday night his Father passed away and it was devistating to the whole family. It was completely unexpected. We were in Queen Creek looking at the Pre School yard because Alex was going to start doing the yard work out there for some extra income. We had just left to drive back home when he got a phone call from his brother David saying his dad was hurt. We didn't know the extent of the incident or the story involved but we rushed to his parents home. When we got there we couldn't park police cars lined the street along with a fire truck. We quickly learned his father had passed and I have been trying to be strong for my husband during this difficult situation. We are thankful for the Atonement that gives us the opportunity to always improve and to be with our family again.

Getting Better

Sorry for all who read my blog and feel it is a Launie venting session. I sent back to work this week. I didn’t work full-time each day and I feeling better each day. Things are getting more bearable but I will share my pet peeve. Last year and this year I can’t STAND when people say “I know how you feel”. That is an impossible phrase. No one can even know how someone else feels. We each deal with things differently and I have the fun pleasure of not only having lost my two sons but I get postpartum depression after each pregnancy. I’m lucky that I have such a great Dr this time around who helped with the depressions before it got bad, my last Dr did nothing and didn’t seem to care at all. I appreciate that we have so many people who have shown their love for us through this great trial in our lives. It has been the most difficult thing for us to go through and we’re lucky to have so many people who love us and especially to have the love of each other. I know I wouldn’t even be able to sleep at night if Alex wasn’t right by my side to hold my hand (no seriously I hold his hand to fall asleep). The interesting thing I have been noticing the past few days is how different men and women are when it comes to wanting kids. We both want kids, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind because we’ll I’m a girl and we think about babies even when we’re little. Men well, they just don’t. It’s made for some interesting conversations the past few days in our house. I’ve almost given up on trying to lose weight, I need to do better. There were just SO MANY things that made me sick when I was pregnant that I’ve been indulging lately. I’ll get back on track! Life will get better and so will my attitude!

The Debate

I seem to be overwhelmed with feeling good, bad, and everything in between. I guess I’m sort of justified in my feelings but it’s making me feel crazy and I feel bad that Alex has to deal with my different moods. Some of my mood swings come from being on medication, but I’m staying on the medication until I run out because I don’t want to be in physical pain along with the mental pain. I don’t feel as depressed as I did last time but that is partly from the medication too. I’m scared that once I run out the medication the depression will hit and that freaks me out. I have an issue of being a planner and I feel like I have nothing to plan for right now. We had so many projects going on in the house to prepare for having a baby that I’m not sure what to do about those projects. I am still in school trying to finish before the end of the summer but I’m going to take some time off after the class I’m currently taking. I need a mental break or I’m going to get overly stressed. I’m going to try going back to work on Monday because there is just so much to do there and hopefully the distraction will be a good thing for me. I hope it won’t stress me out too much to be back at work so soon. Alex keeps telling me I need to relax but I’ve never been too good at relaxing. I worry too much about everything. I guess I’m kind of venting now… so… on to something else….

I have learned more about the procedure I would have to go through if we get pregnant again and honestly it is really kinds scary. I would have surgery and have my cervix sewn shut called a cervical cerclage when I got to 12 weeks of pregnancy then I would be on bed rest and if I got to 36 weeks the cerclage would be removed. This means I’d be on bed rest for almost 6 months, and considering I don’t see myself being able to afford to not work I don’t know how that will happen any time soon. The other problem with the procedure is that many women still have early term labors, the hope is that I would get to at least 28 weeks. So, the debate after our year break is over will be should we try to get pregnant again or should we consider adoption? I vote adoption more immediately and try for pregnancy later when Alex has a better job, but we’ll see what happens.

Well, now you are all aware of the decision making we have to look forward to in the next few years. Oh, PS each time we get pregnant we will have to go through the same procedure each time. Have fun thinking about what we might do.

The Crater in the Road

Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation and sometimes there is an explanation and we just don’t know it yet. This past Wednesday I got very sick. I have been sick a lot since getting pregnant but this time was different I got a high fever and we couldn’t get it to break. So, my Dr told me to go to the hospital. We went and they found out my white blood cell count was twice as much as it is supposed to be. So they admitted me and said I had an infection. They started pumping me full of antibiotics. We got the fever to break but it came back twice. Finally after the third time getting it to break it stayed away, but I was dehydrated and my body started having contractions. I was only 23 weeks pregnant and it was way too early to have a healthy baby. So they increased my fluids drastically to calm the contractions and it was working until my cervix collapsed. As soon as that happened the contractions got worse they were intense they gave me medication to try to get them to stop but I got fully dilated and my water broke. On January 21, 2012 we gave birth to our second son he was 1 pound 0.6 ounces, 11 ½ inches long. He was too small for the neonatologist to do anything to help him breath. It was another loss for our family. This time was different, last year when we lost Jr. he was small enough that the hospital took care of the cremation for us. This time Xander was too big for the free hospital program and so we found a funeral home that would do the cremation for us for a reasonable price. The process is difficult and emotionally taxing. No parent wants to outlive their children. Alex and I have been leaning on each other through this process and I’ve been able to feel the love of my Savior through this whole process. I’m just glad my sons have each other to spend time with. I know we’ll all be together after this life and that Alex and I will have the chance to teach our sons one day. It motivates us as parents to be more obedient and do more service.  

It’s going to take some time to heal and I’m sure there will be a lot of tear filled nights and days and even some anger but the grieving process is necessary to get through the loss. We do now know that I have an incompetent cervix and that if we decide to try to have another child there is a procedure they can do to sew my cervix shut to help us get closer to full term. It’s scary to think about possible going through this process again and we have a lot of decision making to go through in the future but for now we’re taking a year off to let us heal emotionally and physically. This year is for us and our marriage and we’ll see what the future brings for kids after that. We have the best support system and have been shown such love through this process and words could never express how thankful we are for everyone around us that has helped and been there to show us love. We love our sons and look forward to being with them some day.