Merge

Well, I haven't known what to write in here. So... here's an update... I am pregnant again. We're 17 weeks in right now. Just like last time I've been super sick the whole time but my Dr is MUCH better this time and put me on some medication to help me feel better, and I do most of the time! So, obviously I'm not so worried about losing weight although I had lost 20 lbs while being sick and I'm still 6 lbs from before I got pregnant because I got so sick. It's okay though because I feel healthy and I eat and drink lots of water. Being pregnant doesn't void the loss from last year and sometimes because of the hormones I feel ever more sad than I had been feeling for months. I just keep reminding myself that it'll all be okay. I just get sad that our kids won't know their brother. Also, we found out last week that we're having a boy again. That also is really emotional for me because now for some odd reason I'm even more scared. I just worry because I don't think I can deal with going through the loss again. We had decided shortly after our loss last year that our son who died didn't need an earthly name we would have given him so our plan is to name our first healthy born son Alexander Leigh Ray Jr. and we'll call him Xander. I still miss my baby boy and it's only been a year but I feel blessed that we are able to feel the joy of bringing a son into our family in May. So, my emotions merge the sad and happy into confusion often but I try to let the joy outweigh the sad. It's a daily battle, one that I plan on winning!

Men At Work

I feel like there isn't a lot to share lately. I'm just getting my health in check and hopefully my hormones will balance out. I've felt like giving up on losing weight a lot lately because at times I feel helpless. However, I haven't given up if I do now I won't want to get back on track. I've resolved to work harder this week and to make smarter choices. I have been in charge of the lessons in Primary this month and they have all been about treating our bodies as temples. I fully believe this month was meant for me because I need to treat my body right; eat right and exercise and stop feeling bad for myself. Alex and I have had some life changing events that have molded us to be who we are today and I refuse to be a sad person because I have to work harder than other just to have a family. It's funny because I kept feeling like... some people wait for a  missionary, other a spouse, other for a baby... I have waited for them all. It doesn't make it easy but I know that I appreciate Alex SO MUCH because all that happened with us before we got married. I can't tell you how often people ask us if we just got married. I hope that with all the changes that will happen to us in the future I hope that people thinking we have the love of newly weds never changes. I love that we appreciate the little moments we have together! I truly know I have married the BEST MAN for me and all the waiting was worth it! I know it'll be the same once we have our own kids, we'll both have such an appreciation for them!

We grow as we work hard and I've been doing well in my MBA class and can't believe I'll be graduated in less than a year. I should graduate in May or June and it's amazing to know that I'll have accomplished something that I always told myself I'd do. The next obstacle is to find a job that pays for that education so I can pay off the loan! :) Lots of prayer on that one! There's a lot of work ahead in my life and I'm getting excited and nervous about it.

Bumps

So, last week I went to my OB because I’ve been in A LOT of pain and I had a feeling it was cysts on my ovaries. So, she ran a bunch of test and I’ve know that I had PCOS but I hadn’t ever been officially diagnosed. So I went back today for the results and I do have PCOS.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant and other problems.

I did receive some results that I didn’t expect. She also found out that I have Hypothyroidism.

Hypothyroidism is a condition in which the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroid hormone.

I will not be on a bunch of medication to try and fix my body and hopefully make it so I can finally get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. I hope that this will all work out and that my body will heal itself. My Dr said it is likely that my thyroid created problems for me while being pregnant and could be why we lost the baby.  I have a ultrasound tomorrow to see how bad the cysts are, hopefully not too bad.

Sorted

I'm
a Hufflepuff!

Pot Hole

It's been some time since my last post because I haven't known what to write. There is a lot going on with me, some great some not so great. Isn't that the same with everyone? We got a new puppy... which I am still a little scared about I don't want my stuff chewed up, but she is cute and keeps me busy. She like to snuggle and I love that! I am back in school and trying to stay on top of my school work! I worked out at the pre-school for a few weeks cooking and it was actually a nice little break from my normal job it was nice to enjoy cooking and watching two-year-old's play while I cook (their classroom was right by the kitchen).

I have been experiencing some great pain in my ovaries so I finally went to the DR... fetal demise... this is a term I didn't remember hearing before but it is how they categorize what happened to us back in December. Infertility, it's what they are testing me for and hopefully the tests will be back in a week or so. I have always had cysts but they are now thinking there are more than just cysts preventing me from getting pregnant again. My mind has went all over the place knowing that not only am I in great pain but I also can't get pregnant because something is not right in my body. It feels so... annoying... I am already 26 and worried I won't get pregnant for a long time and then we won't be able to have as many kids as we would like. I would LOVE to adopt and have always wanted to, but I don't have thousands of dollars to adopt. They need a realistic way for normal people to adopt it's just so expensive! Needless to say I have no idea what is going to happen but hopefully Alex and I will be able to figure out what we should do, and hopefully we'll know soon! This is a HUGE pot hole in my life right now, I REALLY want to be a mom!!!

Rear View Mirror

So, there have been some interesting things happenin' around here and if you haven't heard about them let me tell you. The first thing happened in Mesa just over a mile from my work at the Mesa SRP plant where a transformer burst into flames and the fire was crazy. Then the power was out all over the valley for a long time, my house got power back at 2 pm but my parents didn't get power till 11 pm. Then a few days ago there was a MASSIVE dust storm it was like something out of the movies. It has left a ton of dust in the air and I've been a little sick (asthma) ever since. So that is the reflection on the local area.

I have some other reflective thoughts to share. First, the awesome news that I've lost 20 lbs so far. It hasn't always been easy but I'm glad this is workin' out for me. My families support is AMAZING! Alex is REALLY helpful with everything! Second, is something a little less light hearted. The past few days I've had a lot of time to think as I help cook at my mom's pre-school. Cooking is like therapy. Anyway, I've been thinking about a lot of different things and I had a thought that it would be good if I shared a little how it felt to me to lose a child.

First of all, I know some people may not believe that since our son was only 20 weeks that was was in fact "alive" but he was!! We had a few ultra sounds prior to our loss and he was so active and moves SO MUCH! He even had a little personality that looked like he was already going to be like his father. He even looked like Alex. Only having had the opportunity to live with him for 20 weeks in my mind doesn't mean it was any less painful to lose him. For months I felt empty, I still do at times. He was such a part of my life and I had already planned a future with him in it. Every time I go into our spare room I'm reminded of the fact that we're missing a member of our family here on earth. I know my love for that little boy will never go away and I'll never feel fully whole again but I know that one day I will have the answers I long for. I keep thinking that he was needed some place else. Alex and I debated on using the name we would have named our son and we decided that our first son that is born alive will be names after Alex just like we had planned all along. It was a difficult decision to make but we feel good about it.

Well, there are my jumbled thought, hopefully soon I'll feel like I don't need to look back in my 'rear view mirror' so much!

Speed Bump

If you have even tried to conceive for any amount of time you are likely familiar with how I feel every four weeks. I anticipate the moment where the pregnancy test comes back positive. I take a test regularly until I realize it is not happening this month. Anyone TTC will feel sad and a little upset for at least a period of time. I keep feeling that I should try harder but I don't know how that could even happen. Then I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Then I wonder if I'm missing something and if it is even going to happen, again. I think these times spent trying to have a family are filled with these speed bumps to teach me a lesson but I don't know what that lesson is yet. I'm still working on myself and learning and trying to be a better person, I just struggle with whatever lesson this is! Well, I'm keepin this short and sweet!